In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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