Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
