Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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