my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
