So drunk its hurt
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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