My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
