All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
