Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
