I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
