Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
