My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
