ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
