My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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