I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
