my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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