I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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