i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
