I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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