pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
