I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
