She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
