***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
