You're my little dorito
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
