I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
