i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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