Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
