A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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