just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
