I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
