Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize