She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
