He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Can i not drive my cunt home
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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