I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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