dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
