somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
