Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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