Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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