How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I currently don't understand fingers.
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