i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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