I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Randomize
