Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
