when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
