So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
