just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
