my phone needs a breathalizer
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I could fuck to npr.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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