I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
