i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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