Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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