U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
