Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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