How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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