I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
