how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
