I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
