Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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