Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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